when i cry, everything fall behind my shoulder

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One of my good friend told me that letting go it doesn't mean that we lose or we give up. It's a simple way to say that we admit and accepting the truth. Me...accepting the truth? Hahhaha...yeah rite. I've been running away from the truth since I was teenager. When the truth coming and I hate to admit it, I start run and leave it all behind. But last night I had a big thought about facing the reality. My reality is I'm falling in love with a guy who afraid with commitment. He have a big doubt in his head that I.."the girl he admit to falling in love with"...could be a good wife and mother for him and his future kids. And for me, he... "the guy that stole my heart"... will always be my dream come true.

Most of my friends says that I should leave him. He just not the right one for me. I said nothing cause I have nothing to say. So I stop telling my feeling cause I don't want anybody get their fucking hands into my business. It's really upset me cause everybody said that he's not a nice guy, he's sick in the head, he's player, etc. I love him no matter what. I don't care how long I will drown in this love. I don't know how long I can stand with his mind game. I don't know and please just stop telling me to leave him. Cause I can't and I will not stop fighting to have him back to my arm. JUST STOP IT !!!

when the night come..
feels so lonely and empty
no lights can get through the darkness
i let my love away
send my biggest kisses and wave him goodbye
keep my tears and pains inside
noone should see it
even the blood running through my cheek
when the night come...
all i want is him beside me
so we could snuggle up
bloody hell, i miss him so much !!!

i'm waiting
just waiting
for you
to say
the word

would you?

i'm so tired
to understanding your condition
to accepting your excuses
to pretending that i'm okay
i can't even feel my feet anymore
cause i've been running around to catch your shadow
pushing away my pain to still be with you

i am so fuckin tired
with the blood running through my broken heart
with the desire that no longer exist
and with the silent weeps for all this nights

baby
i even too tired to loving you

tonite i wanna admit something
i can't make this love work anymore
i do still love him, but i'm tired
i've been fighting to make everything working
but he does nothing except make it fallin apart
i tried to put the pieces together
forgive and forget all of his excuses
but i can't do it anymore
i have to let him go...

i don't understand..
why we have to have a partner to feel complete
why we have to have a lot of money to be able enjoying life
why we have to respect other people to create a harmony
why we have to stop doing the sin to reach the heaven

but why?
i have a boyfriend but i still lonely
i have some money but still can't understand the meaning of enjoying life
i have and i do respect peoples but they still talked behind my back
i start quiting the boost and sex but i still alive in HELL

SO, WHAT'S THE POINT FOR ALL THOSE SHIT THEN!!

INTRODUCTION

my name is the loner. i'm alone, lived in a big city full of crimes. everyday, i wake up with nightmares and i go to bed with tears. for no reason sometime, but mostly cause i'm alone. i have friends but they do nothing when i'm sad. i have family but we never talked about our feeling. i live in dejavu, day by day. i have lover but he only love me without wanting to live with me.

in this black board, hopefully i can live the way i want it be. i'm so sick of living in pretending. and i'm searching for my eternity. so..if there's any visitor here..please, just read it without judging it. cause i just write to explore my loneliness. .